Some dreams are weird. Some dreams are old. Some dreams are secret.
Some dreams are impossible.
Those are my favorite kinds.
It is so painfully easy to accept the waves of life, accept the gifts it hands you without ever making requests of your own. I have come to believe that comfortableness is the ultimate temptation of the Devil. He shows you all the happiness that comes with a nine-to-five-with-weekends-off-and-health-benefits-and-a-401k and whispers in your ear the glorious comfort of a no-risk life. And then he shows you the horrors of what it is to not know. To step forward into the black darkness of a blurry future and wonder where the money/love/fun/clothes/food/friends are going to come from. How painful it could be to wake up in the morning and not have the lush assurance of clocking in Monday morning for a boss who will always sign your paycheck and have it in your waiting hands on schedule.
Here is the thing the Devil is best at: telling you how good it is to never be unsure. Telling you about the sweetness of The Routine. Telling you that you are far too talentless, cowardly, doubtful, unoriginal, small, and insignificant to discover the joys of the unknown. “No,” he says, “the unknown is reserved for those much mightier than you.”
I am here to tell you that he is right.
The unknown requires far too much might and courage and gusto and fervor and zeal than any person could ever possess. And that is EXACTLY why God wants you to sprint desperately toward it and dive through the threshold of fear and anxiety into the land of the I Don’t Knows. See, there He is, crouched just beyond the shadow of monotony with His arms out waiting for you to decide that, no, you aren’t enough but, yes, very truly, He is. He has enough talent. He has enough vision. He has enough creativity. And He has enough for you.
He has enough for me.
I demoted myself from a hard-earned position because it would be insane to give it up. I quit my nearly perfect job because I was absolutely terrified to. I sold my incredible house without having a new one because I didn’t know if it would work out. I moved into my generous parents’ wonderful home because I was far too prideful to need help. I bought the home I have fantasized about endlessly because the numbers don’t really pencil out without a miracle. I am starting this blog I’ve spent years dreaming of because I hate the idea of being vulnerable or rejected.
God calls us to step out and trust that He is God and there is nothing in this world more insane or important than responding to His call. As I do so, I am loosening my grip on the control I’ve always loved and I don’t know what the future holds and I am terrified.
Before you read any further, let me cut swiftly through any bullshit: I am not the best. I know that better than anyone. I eat way too much processed sugar. I use very foul language very often. I will forget your birthday, your anniversary, and your text no matter how much I love you. I overdraw my bank account. A lot. I have this cool tendency to read and follow epically talented writers and bloggers and get discouraged rather than inspired. I am afraid of failing. More so, I am afraid of failing way up high where everyone can see.
You know what I am the most afraid of, though? Never breaking through the lies and chains of the unfulfilled, comfortable mediocrity that The Enemy promises to give me. I am afraid of never showing up to the dangerous, fiery heat that is the result of taking hold of the excess enough that God has for me and wasting away The Gift. I am afraid of showing up to my high school reunion, my family reunion, my life and the best I have to show for my twenty-three years are countless notebooks filled to the brim with ideas that I never took out for a walk in the sun. You see, diamonds can’t sparkle in the dark. They become lovely when you shine a little light on them. Are ideas any different?
I am not a lot of things. I am not incredibly incredible. I am not incredibly creative, or incredibly attractive. I am not incredibly strong or incredibly talented. I am not incredibly brave or confident or popular but I am incredibly hungry. It is a wonderful thing to invite God into our hunger and watch as He shows us how incredible He is. How incredible He makes us.
Here, I will help you to get ideas for outfits to wear and shoes to buy. I will tell you how I arrange my furniture in hopes it will help you to solve that puzzle in your own home. I will review books and share updos and talk about traveling and my favorite concerts and coffee and cigars. This is a place where I will bitch about what should be bitched about and celebrate what should be celebrated. Let’s talk about the Unspeakable Things. Let’s talk about whatever the hell we want without shame.
I am not that funny, but I hope to make you laugh. I am not that smart, but I hope to make you think. I am not that holy, but I hope to help you believe. I am not that rich, but I hope I can give you something that you need.
This is a long time coming and I hope you have as much fun as I do.